Share the Love!

It’s important to treat people in the way you want to be treated. It’s great to go above and beyond sometimes and go out of your way to help people in need.

However, there comes a point where some people will take advantage of your kindness and come to expect that you will do certain things for them when you don’t actually have to do anything. It can even go so far as you becoming an enabler for their bad behavior. And sure, you’re just trying to be nice, but are you being too nice?

Here are 7 ways to tell if you are doing too much for someone.

1. They don’t appreciate it
A simple “Thank you” goes a long way, especially if it’s genuine. You can usually tell when someone is actually grateful for what you have done for them not only by their words but by their actions.

A grateful person will say thank you and then try to figure out ways that they can also be beneficial to your life. If you gave them some money they might offer to babysit your kids for you. If you offered them advice, they might call you to let you know how things went and thank you for all your help. If you let them borrow your car, they might take it out and wash it.

There are so many ways to say thank you, not all require a lot of time or money either. A simple phone call or a simple act of service is all it takes sometimes.

If the person you are helping out can’t bother to show a little bit of gratitude for all you’ve done for them, you might be doing too much for them.

2. They ask you for things again and again
Everyone goes through hard times but when it’s the same situation again and again and they constantly need help, there comes a point where you just have to say no.

If someone you care for is constantly short on their rent by $100, you can help them out a few times no problem. But if it starts to become a regular thing, they either need to find a job that pays a little more or figure out how to save. By giving them the money they start to expect it from you and they may not bother to make wise decisions because they know you will cover for them.

3. You are enabling bad behavior
This isn’t always as easy to tell but sometimes when you doing something that you feel is helping that person, you are actually allowing them to continue their bad behavior.

For example: If you allow someone to live in your house rent free for a couple months after they lose their job, that’s a really nice thing to do. If they continue to live in your house past the agreed time and have yet to even look for a job, that’s when it becomes enabling.

The issue is they feel they don’t have to work because they don’t have to pay bills. If they spend their days playing video games and watching TV, you are allowing this behavior. If you tell them that they have a month to pay you rent or they will have to find a new place to live, see how quickly they start to look for a job.

It’s not mean to set rules and expectations, especially for basic things like paying rent. It’s good to help people out but there becomes a point where it’s no longer helping them anymore. What they might really need some times is that little push to make their lives better, even though there is a good chance they won’t see it the same way you do.

4. It’s becoming a burden to you
If you are helping someone so much that it’s causing you stress or hardship in your life, then maybe it’s time to stop or at least cut back a little bit.

Now, we aren’t talking about being selfish. Being selfless is such an amazing quality and a difficult one to achieve, but it can be so beneficial to many people. However, you still have basic needs that have to be met in order for you to be the best version of yourself.

If you are helping someone so much that you can’t pay your own bills, that’s not okay. If you are helping them so much that you are constantly stressed out about their problems and start neglecting your own problems, that is also not okay. When you give out of your abundance it’s not burdensome but when you give out of lack it can feel hard to do. Decide how much you can and want to give to a person and go from there.

Sometimes we do need to take on something difficult or help out a family member in great need and it will be burdensome, so don’t get it confused. If someone is in the hospital and needs a lot of help, you should do what you can to help them and maybe even go above and beyond what they ask for. Yes, it mostly likely will be difficult and taxing on you, but you still need to make sure you eat, sleep and pay your bills. If you don’t do even those basic things then you won’t be much help to those around you.

5. You are expecting them to do something for you
After doing so much for certain people, we can feel like they owe us something. The truth is, they don’t owe you anything. No matter how much you have done for a person, at the end of the day if you didn’t want to do it or you feel that they need to pay you back or do the same for you, then you possibly shouldn’t have helped them out in the first place.

There are exceptions to this, like if you loaned someone money you had an agreement that they would pay you back. You can and should expect them to pay you back. That’s an agreement between you two and it should be honored.

But, if you helped someone out and now you need help but they are no where to be found, honestly you can’t really get too upset. Sure, you can express your disappointment, it would make sense that they should treat you as well as you treated them. But, you have to check your motives. Why did you help out that person in the first place? Were you expecting something back? Or did you do it because you wanted to and had the resources available? If the reason you did that was so that they would do the same for you, that’s not a good motive.

6. You aren’t giving joyfully
Giving is supposed to feel good at the end of the day. Sure, there are times when you give and things don’t work out as you planned, but that’s why you should give without expectations and with a cheerful heart. That means that you should give because you want to and because you are happy to do so. Giving should feel good and you should enjoy doing it.

Do things because you want to, do them with a generous spirit. Don’t attach expectations to them and allow yourself to give freely. When you give it should make you feel good to help someone. If you start to notice that when you give you are getting upset or starting to feel resentful towards that person, then maybe it’s time to back off and stop doing so much.

Also giving things that you are good at and that you like to do helps a lot too. If you enjoy cooking you’ll probably enjoy sharing and giving your food to others. If you enjoy kids you might actually enjoy babysitting for your neighbor for free once in a while. If you enjoy driving giving rides to people might be fun. Figure out what you enjoy giving and do more of that.

7. It’s more loving not to do it
This can be a tricky one because it seems like giving and supporting someone is usually the best way to love them. However, sometimes letting them figure things out on their own can actually be the most loving thing you can do.

It’s like that old saying about teaching people to fish verses giving them a fish. By equipping them with the skills to figure things out on their own they will be able to take care of themselves when things get hard instead of just expecting that someone else will provide them with what they need.

Keep it mind, sometimes this approach will end in fighting or anger. People don’t like being told no. But at the end of the day loving people isn’t always about making that person happy, it’s about so much more. Check out this quiz to figure out how you can best love someone you care for.