There he was, standing in the corner. He was talking to his friend, another guy around our age.
We all went to church together and church sponsored activities. It allowed me to see him pretty often, which I enjoyed. I think he enjoyed it too.
From across the room we made eye contact. I smiled, he smiled. Or did he smile first? I quickly looked away.
I saw a group of girls I knew and walked towards them. I joined in on their conversation and had a few good laughs. I wasn’t truly into the conversation though. I wanted to be talking and laughing with him. I couldn’t help but scan the room again for him to see what he was doing. He wasn’t talking to the same person anymore; where did he go?
“Are you going to the girls night next week?” One of the girls asked me. I wasn’t paying attention but I didn’t want to make it noticeable.
“Oh, um, I’m not sure yet. When is it again?”
“Friday night. It will be fun, you should come if you can!” She replied. Her name was Yolanda and she was really sweet. I liked her and wouldn’t mind hanging out with her and the girls, but I knew that my crush wouldn’t be there.
That got me to thinking…. was I only here for him? What if he stopped coming to this church, would I stop too?
And of course it had to be church… the point of going was to seek God not a husband.
“Sounds like fun. I’ll let you know,” was my reply.
Then I felt a sudden need to leave. I was getting overwhelmed with my own thoughts. But I had to say hi to him or I guess bye to him, before leaving. I needed some kind of interaction with him before I could go. If I didn’t I would regret it and overthink that too. Sure there was that smile, that awkward yet charming smile, but I wanted to actually talk to him.
“Okay girls, I’m gonna get going. It was great seeing you tonight!” I gave them hugs and headed towards the door, stopping by a table to “look for something” in my purse but really I was looking for him. Where did he go?
Then I saw him, near the door! Yes, I could make it seem like I conveniently walked by him on my way out. I headed towards the door, trying to be nonchalant.
He looked up and we made eye contact again.
“You leaving?” He asked. Yes! He said something to me first!
“Yeah, I have a lot of stuff to do at home,” that was a lie. “How about you?”
“I’m gonna stay a bit and help clean up.” He said.
“Oh cool, that’s really nice of you.”
“I don’t mind, it’s the least I could do.” He replied with a smile. I smiled back. Then there was silence.
“Well, it was good to see you.” I said quickly.
“You too.” He replied. He reached out to hug me and I gladly accepted. He gave me a friendly side hug that all the girls and guys exchanged, but it was always different with him. He’d pull me in tight and give me a little squeeze. Most guys were quick and light; more like a pat on the back. With him though, it lingered a bit. It was somewhat passionate for a 5 second side hug. I wanted to stay there in his arm for as long as I could. The short hug was over as soon as it started and I could feel my eyes longing for more. I wondered if he felt the same.
“See you next week?” I asked.
“I’ll be here.” He said.
I walked out the door and headed to my car. I wished our conversation would have lasted longer. I wish it was less superficial and had more substance. Did he hug all the girls like that? Or was it just me? Was he just being friendly or was there something more?
Even after I got home I couldn’t stop thinking about it, about him. It was starting to get on my nerves. I grabbed my phone and did a Google search on ways to tell if a guy likes you. I read way more than I’d like to admit and ended up exactly in the same place I was when I got home. I still had no clue if he liked me or not. Sure there was hope, but that hope was there before I spent an hour reading junk on my phone.
And now I had to wait until next week to see him. Ugh, so long! We didn’t really talk outside of church. He had never asked for my number and I never had a reason to ask for his. I did have the guts to follow him on social media and he followed me back which made me happy, but then again, he might have just been friendly or polite. It was so hard to tell, especially with these sweet church boys.
My phone beeped with a notification. Oh, wouldn’t it be great if it was from him? I knew it wasn’t but I was still hopeful.
It was a notification from the Bible app. It said “Great job using your app today! Keep the trend going.”
I opened the Bible app maybe once a week, usually for church. I would love to say my excuse was I used a real Bible the rest of the time, but I can’t lie to God like I lied to my crush.
I clicked on the notification which opened the app and took me to the verse of the day. The verse was:
“But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” Matthew – 6:33
I’d heard this verse before, but I never really thought about it. I was sick of looking to Google for the answer to my love problem when Google just kept me hopeful but with no real answers.
I decided to look at the next verse. I clicked and noticed I could easily switch the version of the Bible. I had it set on the King James version but I always had trouble understanding. I switched to NIV, my friends seemed to like this version, and read the next verse:
“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” – Matthew 6:34
So true. Here I was so worried about if a guy liked me or not… so superficial. I had other things to think about, like what to have for dinner. Or actual important stuff like helping my family or doing the best I could in my job.
What were “these things” that would be given to me? I didn’t understand. I decided to read the whole passage. It wasn’t like I was doing anything else beneficial anyway.
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?” – Matthew 6:25-27
Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? Great question! And no, I had just wasted an hour of my life worrying and trying to figure out if this guy liked me, if we have a future, if I should make a move. What was the point of all that? I’m still no where closer to being with him or knowing if he wants to be with me.
“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. “Matthew 6:28-32
Hmm… so I was just worried about food but the Bible says don’t worry about food. I guess that makes sense, I’ve never gone without. God provides for the flowers… he brings rain for them. God has always provided for me even when I didn’t know how I was going to pay my bills or what I was going to eat. It was always kinda random and crazy but things always worked out and I felt blessed, even though I also felt like I had little faith….
“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:33-34
And there I was, worrying about next week and how to get this guy to like me! “Your heavenly Father knows that you need them”. I’d heard many times that God knows what we need and he will provide. I felt like I needed a husband, and the older I got the more I felt like I had to rush and make it happen. Doing that just made me worry though, it made me waste time on things like searching on Google or dating losers that don’t add any time or even value to my life.
I felt compelled to open up my actual Bible, the one that was sitting on the bookshelf slowly collecting dust. It had only been a few weeks since I last opened it, you have to take it to church once in a while to look the part, but it had been years since I studied it. That passage had really spoken to me and I was suddenly a bit hungry for more….
I opened up my Bible and a sheet of paper fell out. It was from an old message at church. I had highlighted a verse:
“When the time is right I the Lord will make it happen” Isaiah 60:22
Wow…. that was what I needed. God knew.
Being raised in the church I had heard these verses, but did I actually believe them? Did I actually trust in what they said? Or was I so concerned with trying to make things happen on my own that I was pushing aside all I had been taught throughout my life?
I realized at the moment that I had a choice. I had a choice to try to make this guy like me. I had a choice to just let it happen, if it happened. I had a choice to spend hours on the internet searching for ways to tell if he liked me. I had a choice to do something actually beneficial to my life. And the biggest choice of all I had to make; did I believe what the Bible said?
Did I believe that God knows what I need, that I shouldn’t worry and that when the time is right God will make it happen?
I closed the Bible, put it back on the shelf and went into the kitchen to make some food. I had a small frozen pizza I decided to heat up. There are two ways to cook it, according to the back of the box. One way is I could put it in the microwave and in less than two minutes it would be ready to eat. It’s quick and easy, but it is usually a bit soggy and the crust is soft. The recommended way is the oven. It takes longer but the end result is better; you get a evenly cooked and crispier crust. It ends up tasting the way the manufacturer intended.
Either way I’d still get a meal, but what type of meal did I want? The choice was mine to make.
I put the pizza in the oven, went into the living and found a new episode of one of my favorite shows to watch while I waited for what I knew would be a good thing.