Recently I spent some time with a few women in their 60’s. It was very interesting to listen to them talk about their lives. They talked about growing older; how it’s scary and their bodies are aging. They talked about how they fear living alone because they might pass away alone in their homes. They talked also about their faith, how believing in God gives them hope.
As I was listening to these women twice my age talk, I realized that they have similar fears as I do! Even though some of them have been married and have children, they still have more in common with me than I thought.
As an unmarried, 30 year old woman, I fear that I will never get married and have a family of my own. I fear that I’ll end up old and alone. And the funny thing is, even if I do get married and have a family, that doesn’t guarantee that I won’t end up being alone at the end of my life. People die and families don’t always see eye to eye.
So how do we deal with this?
I argue that we need to recognize that we are actually alone in life. Even if you are surrounded by people, you are still be the only person who is living your life. You alone are the only one who can live your life. No matter how many children you have or how many friends you make, at the end of the day, you are alone with yourself. It’s a fact of life, we come into the world alone and we leave the world alone.
It can be a hard concept to accept but hopefully these 5 ways to be comfortable and content with being alone will help.
1. God
Putting God first can be life changing. Each religion is different and each person has a different experience, but if you focus on putting God first in your life and walking with him, it helps you to not feel so alone.
Let me explain. In Christianity, one of the main focuses of the religion is your relationship or your walk with God. It focuses on living life with God and doing things God’s way. Doing this helps you to recognize the presence of God and that God is always with you so you are never alone.
This is subjective and I know that not everyone believes in these things, but who else do you know that will never leave you? Who do you know that will always be there if you call out to them? Who do you know that will love you and forgive over and over again you no matter what you do?
If we are lucky we will find a person on this earth who seems to fill those roles, but then what happens if they have a bad day? What happens when they die?
People are temporary. Our lives on this earth are temporary. Putting your hope into something that is forever helps you to stop feeling so alone.
2. A spouse is not the answer
As a woman who has never been married or had children, I see my friends getting married and starting families and I can’t help but feel jealous. I can’t help but feel like they have everything I’ve ever wanted.
The years go by and you see the happy pictures they post on social media. They post pictures of their weddings, pregnancies and post lots of pictures of their kids as they grow.
And then, another couple of years go by and they are getting divorced!
Suddenly you don’t feel jealous anymore. Suddenly you feel sorry that they now have 3 kids and are divorced at age 35.
They start posting things about not needing anyone else, about how they are stronger and better off on their own, etc. Sure some of it is just for show or to make them feel better about themselves, but maybe some of it is true?
When you aren’t married it seems like getting married will solve so many problems. It feels like if you’re married you’ll have more money, love, companionship, partnership and help. It seems like living life on your own is not as good as being married.
Stop and talk to a few married people and they will probably give you a different perspective. Once the honeymoon phase wears off and you start to realize that they are just a person with flaws and faults and not some amazing perfect human. Little things they do start to annoy you. Differences that didn’t seem so big before now have become arguments. Their problems are now your problems and vice versa. Marriage complicates things. It makes some things easier but it also makes some things harder.
So remember, single people, marriage is not the answer to all your problems.
3. Remember, you came in this world on your own and you’ll leave it on your own.
Everyone is born with their own life to live and you come into this world by yourself, so we actually start off alone. With the exception of twins, everyone was born on their own. Even if you have a twin your life is still your own and different from theirs in some way. You didn’t come out at exactly the same time, someone is a few minutes older than the other. You can only live your life.
Sure you’re mom and the doctors were there, but they didn’t experience what you experienced when you were born. That was the beginning of your life and just a part of theirs.
When you die, sure you might get in a crash and bring some people with you, but you will still be on your own. What if you survive the crash and everyone else dies? Or vice versa. We can’t control the world or know when or how we will leave it. But we do know that we come into the world alone and we leave this world alone. All of us.
We’re born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we’re not alone.
Orson Welles
4. Everyone feels alone sometimes
It’s safe to say that everyone feels alone or misunderstood at some point in their lives. Some people more than others, but everyone has experienced this, even if it was just in middle school.
If you had a long day and just want someone to talk to, but no one answers their phone, then it’s easy to feel like no one cares about you and that you are alone in the world.
But talk to pretty much any person and they will tell you that they have felt alone too. We all feel alone sometimes.
Even if you are married, you can still feel alone in your marriage. If you have 5 kids, you might not get a lot of alone time, but you might feel alone in your struggles of raising 5 kids.
Everyone needs someone to talk to. Everyone needs someone to relate to them.
That’s why it’s so great when you have people who can share in your struggle. That’s why many coworkers become close, they can talk about work and share in the struggle. When you have a church group you can talk about those struggles. If you are in a parenting group, you can talk about that. When you are around like minded people who are in similar situations, it is a bonding experience for you and you realize that you all have the same worries and fears, just sometimes in a different way.
Instead of feeling alone by yourself, why not find someone who feels the same and see if you can lift each other up?
5. Realize that feeling lonely and being alone are different things
It’s crazy how you can be in a room full of people and still feel lonely. It’s crazy how you can have the house to yourself for the weekend and feel amazing.
There isn’t really a word for the opposite of lonely which is very intriguing. I guess you could use the word loved or sociable, but you can feel loved and lonely at the same time or even sociable and lonely. You could be talking to a room full of people but feel like no one understands you which would make you feel lonely.
Feeling lonely is basically feeling like you aren’t connecting with anyone, that people don’t understand you or you don’t have anyone to share your life or experiences with.
Being alone is simply being by yourself.
Learning how to be alone and not feel lonely is a great skill to have. Sometimes you just have to do things on your own and if you can get through that and still feel happy and actually enjoy the experience, that is a great thing. Some people constantly need someone to go places with them or they just don’t go. Think about how much you’d miss out on!
Yes it is great to not feel lonely. It’s great to feel wanted and understood and loved, but it’s even better if you can be alone and still feel like you are wanted, understood and loved.