I did it again. I fell in love with the potential and not the person. I thought of all that could have been, how great things could be, and not how crappy they actually were. Sure, there were good moments but I allowed myself to be strung along and then one day, just like that, it’s all over.
I did something for my own good that is killing me on the inside. I told him “Please stop contacting me.” And the thing is, I know he will listen. That means, this time, I will not get a text two months later saying “I miss you” or even a simple “Hi”. Previous times I knew he’d always come back. This time, he’s not coming back.
It kills me. We were so close! We were doing so good. Things were going well, we talked about our feelings and we both liked each other. So either it was all a bunch of lies and I’m just stupid, or maybe it really was bad timing or just not the right match.
And the way it ended sucks too. I feel like I didn’t say the right things. I wanted to say more but what more was there to really say? “You hurt me and you’re an asshole, I can’t believe you could do this to me!” and to which he would reply “I’m sorry you feel that way” or something lame like that. He wouldn’t even really care, he’s more interested in his own feelings which is why it wasn’t working out in the first place.
I knew he was unhealthy for me but I just kept going back for more and kept letting myself get pulled in more and more. I just needed to have some fun, was my excuse. Deep down I hoped I’d be the one; the one that tamed him, the one that he settled down and had a family with. The one that he finally fell deeply in love with. I wanted him to pick me.
I wish I had just say “Bye” instead of “Please stop contacting me.” It was out of pain that I said that. But it’s really over right? He didn’t pick me… sometimes I think I would like to still be friends with him although I’ve never been friends with an ex before. The things is….. we are not just friends and feelings like that don’t just go away. And what about when I do get married to someone else, will I still want my friend around?
I guess on the flip side, I could always contact him if I wanted to. I don’t know why or what I’d say. I guess I could be the one to say “I miss you” or “Hi”. But what would be the point? I guess I still am holding on to the hope that maybe he is the one and it was just not the right time… but they say timing is everything right?
Plus he had his chance. I put myself out there. I made an effort. And maybe I over reacted. Maybe I was too dramatic. Or maybe I knew I needed to stop lowering my standards and letting myself feel like crap over a man who didn’t treat me the way I deserve. Maybe I knew that I wasn’t going to get my needs met by him and it was time I let go.
It sucks, it really does. I feel better that I did learn a little from this relationship. I learned how to better communicate my feelings and I learned that actions speak a lot louder than words.
I figure if it’s meant to be somehow our paths will cross again. Or maybe I’ll cave and text him. Or maybe I’ll meet a really great new man who actually treats me the way I deserve and can give me the things I need. Only time will tell.