We’ve all had to deal with people who are compulsive complainers at some point in time. They come in many forms; the unhappy co-worker, the annoying family member, or the friend who just can’t see the positive side of life. Sometimes walking away just isn’t an option, so here are some tips on how to cope.
1. Agree with them
Many times people who complain are just looking for someone to see eye to eye with and let them know they are justified in their feelings. If you agree with them then they won’t have to keep complaining and trying to prove their point.
For example: If your friend complains about her job all the time, you can say “Yeah, I know what you mean. Work sucks sometimes.” You have just validated her point and now that she knows someone understands she may see this as a good place to end the complaining. There is a chance she may rant a little bit more, but in that case she probably just wants someone to vent to. You can listen, let her get it all out, and then move on to a new topic.
If the person happens to say something that you don’t agree with, you can simply say “I’m sorry, that sucks.” This way you haven’t really agreed with something you don’t want to while still making the person feel validated.
For example: if your brother is always talking about punching the neighbor in the face; telling your brother that he’s stupid is going to start a fight, but if you say “I’m sorry, that sucks he makes you so mad”, then he has no reason to be upset at you and hopefully he’ll calm down and not want to punch anyone anymore after venting.
2. Change the subject
Once the person in question has done their fair share (or most likely more than their fair share) of complaining and venting, then change the subject. They may try to veer the conversation back to what they were talking about but stay firm and change the topic to a happier, mutual subject. An easy way to do is this is once they have taken a breather from their rant, pick up on something they said and roll with that.
3. Realize that you can’t change them
Trying to make a person change when they don’t want to is just a waste of time. You can give helpful advice but it usually isn’t really listened to or wanted unless it is asked for. If they ask for advice, go for it; help them as much as you can. Just know that the only person you can control or change is you.
Let’s go back to the brother from above example (#1), if he wants to punch the neighbor in the face, you can plead with him, tell him he’s stupid, reason with him, etc, but if he really wants to knock out the neighbor, no matter what you do he’s inevitably going to do what he wants to do. There is a chance that your voice of reason will spark a new thought into him and help set him on a new path, so telling him how you feel about the situation and the probable outcomes (getting beat up or cops being called) is a nice thing to do; but realize he is the only one who can ultimately change himself.
4. Be Happy
Let your positivity be contagious. Make that the strongest force in the room. If you’re happy, a good friend doesn’t want to bring you down no matter how bad they are feeling. However, sometimes the person doesn’t really care about your happiness (family, coworkers, etc.) or doesn’t realize the effect their mood has on others. In that case still be happy and make sure that you don’t catch their negativity. Once you go negative it’s hard to come back and it can end up in arguing or tears. If you can stay strong and positive then you have avoided the trap complainers unknowingly set. Hopefully you will bring up them instead of them bringing you down.