Share the Love!

Losing loved ones is one of the hardest things you’ll ever experience. The closer your relationship to them, the harder it is.

Everyone deals with grief differently, there isn’t one absolute way to cope with it. You will always feel a little bit of grief even as time passes. You’ll shed a tear when you hear a song that reminds you of them, you’ll want to call them when something great happens or you’ll order a dish they used to love when you go to out to eat because it reminds you of them. All of those things are normal.

People need various amounts of time for various levels of healing. Here are 10 things you can do to help you cope during your time of grief.

Quiz: How Should You Deal with Your Grief?

1. Take a break
Right after you lose someone you love the shock can take a while to set in. You might feel fine at first, but know that it will hit you.

If you are financially able to, take some time off from your job. If you’re in school, explain what your going through to your teachers and most likely they will be more than willing to work with you.

The amount of time you need to heal can greatly vary. Some people need a few days while others need years. The time needed is different for everyone and what type of break you need is also different for everyone. You might just need a couple of days in a hotel by yourself to figure things out. Or you might need break from life for a few months.

After losing my mom, I went to school the next day. All my friends were shocked to see me but the truth was, I was in shock and didn’t know what to do, so I just went on with my day. At lunch time though, I broke down in tears in the middle of the cafeteria and went home early. I took a few days off after that.

When my Dad died I knew I needed a break. I knew there was no way I could handle work and being around people, especially happy people. So I took a seven month break. I didn’t go to work or school. I did end up doing other things though which aided in my healing such as getting involved with church and spending time with loved ones.

This should go without saying but I’ve seen it happen time and time again so… the only thing you can’t take a break from is being a parent. That is something that you have to keep doing no matter what happens. Seek help if you need it. Don’t let your children suffer because you are suffering. In many cases, they are grieving too.

2. Allow yourself to feel
Many people understandably go numb after the death of a loved one. It’s hard to dealing with all the feelings that come with grief so many people find ways to block their emotions. There are many different ways to avoid your feelings like throwing yourself into work, drinking and smoking too much, comfort eating, etc. Sometimes you might not even realize that you are blocking your feelings. You might just think you’re being “strong”.

Well you don’t have to be strong all the time. It’s okay to cry, yell, scream, or even laugh. It’s okay to be sad. It’s also okay to allow yourself to be happy again.

Allow yourself to express your emotions as much as you need. Sit and cry in your room if that’s what you need. Go outside and scream. Talk to someone about how you feel. Get your emotions out and allow yourself to feel them no matter how painful.

3. Turn to God
What do you believe happens after you die?

Believing that your loved ones are in heaven can give you a sense of comfort and hope. Many times people have had experiences that feel like their loved one is still around, reaching out in little ways. None of us really know exactly what happens after we die, but our beliefs can bring us comfort if we allow them.

If you aren’t sure what you believe, reach out to a pastor or someone who is spiritually wise and ask them to pray for you. They will probably do their best to answer your questions and offer you support.

On the flip side, if you are mad at God, tell Him. Tell God how unfair it is that you had to lose your loved one. Ask Him why it happened and yell at Him for allowing it. God can handle it and He already knows how you feel so there’s no point in hiding it. Plus sometimes God answer your questions or will reach out to you in some way. Sometimes God doesn’t provide us with the answers we seek, but know He loves you and cares for you.

4. Spend a lot of time with people you love
When you are going through difficult times people will show you their true colors. The people who love you will show you they care. Make sure to accept their offers of love and support. You may be tempted to isolate yourself but let love in and allow people to be there for you.

One of the things that helped me the most after my Dad died was my house was full of people. All of my siblings were there and I had friends who would visit daily. Having so many people around allows you to grieve a little easier. They probably share in your pain and can be a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen. Suffering alone can be very painful and grief is hard enough as it is.

5. Spend some time alone
As good as it is to be around people, make sure to carve out some time for yourself to sort through your feelings and maybe even figure out how your life is going to change.

Lots can change when people pass away. Your life may be dramatically different and you might have to figure out what your going to do now. You may be the breadwinner of your family now and have to get a new job or a second one. Maybe you suddenly have to care for children you didn’t give birth to. Or maybe your best friend is gone and now you have to get through the rest of life without them.

Take some time with a pen a paper, a book or a Bible, whatever you need to sort out your emotions and help you make the adjustments you need.

6. Don’t forget about your friends
Between funeral arrangements, money concerns, legal paperwork, and everything else that comes along with someone passing away, it’s easy to get so caught up in day to day task and forget that we have people in our lives who care and would love to spend some time with us.

Did you even tell your friends what happened? There are many times when there are friends who weren’t close to our loved one so we don’t call to tell them what happened. We probably should though just because they can be supportive of us.

With social media if you make a post, most people will respond with their condolences, but if someone reaches out more and offers to take you out for lunch, force yourself to say yes. You might not want to, you might not feel like you have time, but take one hour to get out and spend some time with a friend. It’s important for your mental health to keep healthy relationships and don’t allow yourself to become isolated.

7. Take care of yourself
Many people forget to eat when their grieving. Others will overeat. Many will smoke more often or start smoking. Drinking can be an issue. It’s easy to stop caring or taking care of yourself. Don’t let this happen. Remember that you will feel better one day and when that day comes you’ll want to be healthy.

Make sure you are eating well, getting enough sleep, limiting excess behavior, spending time with loved ones, making time for yourself, and having some fun in between. Don’t let grief take over your life.

8. If you feel like you need help, get it
Everyone and every situation is different but if you feel you need help get it. Don’t wait for things to get really bad either. There is no shame in talking to a therapist or grief counselor, in fact it can be really helpful. They can give you good tips on how to deal, help you work through some issues, or just be someone to talk to.

If professional help isn’t an option then ask a friend, relative or a neighbor for help. If that’s not an option either there are multiple organizations that are there to help you. There are churches, support groups, and resources through some jobs like EAP (employee assistance program) or schools.

There is help for you, but you might have to look for it or reach out to someone who can help you.

9. Realize that the pain will never go away, but it does get easier to deal with
The saying “Time heals all” is a lie. Time doesn’t heal all, it just makes things easier to deal with.

There is no healing a death. You can never replace that person. You still wish you could call them and tell them what’s happening in your life. You’ll always wonder what could have been if they were still here.

It’s been 15 years since my mom died and I still cry for her. I still miss her and wish things were different. I picture how my life might have been if she was still alive but I know it will never be that way.

However, time makes grief easier to deal with. I no longer cry everyday. Grief doesn’t consume my life like it did at one point. I can enjoy holidays again. I don’t have to request certain days off because it’s someone’s birthday or the day they died. The loss just becomes a part of your life and you learn to make adjustments and deal with it.

10. Take your time
There is no set time frame for grieving. You aren’t going to grieve for two months and then be fine. It takes time. Depending on how close you were to them or what role they played in your life, it can take a lot of time to adjust and accept your new way of life.

Sometimes it can even take years to fully accept life for what is it. It’s so hard to move on with your life when you never wanted things to change. When things were so good and then one day it’s all gone. What do you do? How do you deal?

Just keep going day by day. Keep on moving forward. One day you’ll realize that you didn’t cry. Then one day you’ll be able to throw away something that belonged to them because it doesn’t make sense to keep it anymore. Then finally one day, you’ll look at their picture and smile. Yes, tears may still fall down your cheek, but you will grateful for the memories and the time that you had with them.

You’re going to be okay.